| (no subject) |
[Saturday, the 28th of November in 2009 at 03:38 am] |
life is weird now. there's nothing to look forward to when i come downstairs in the morning or when we come home. i keep looking outside and thinking that shoes in the corner of the room are her paws. i keep thinking i'll look around the corner of the couch and see her sleeping or hear her shuffling or sitting against the door from the other room. there's no one to call into the den when my mom and sister are watching a boring show.
i see little artifacts outside - her bowls, tennis balls, a frisbee, her bed, and the path she created from one side of the house to the other.
i think wednesday was the worst and hardest of my life. my parents getting divorced and getting dumped were up there, but this is a different, scarier feeling. those things were both shitty things that needed to end anyway - but stella was an angel. there is nothing positive that can come out of her being gone, except that she isn't sick anymore. and her being gone isn't like a petty silent treatment. she's gone into the unknown somewhere where i can never get to her.
exactly three months ago we went swimming together everyday in the unbearable august heat. then she'd get out and go NUTS and run around the house like a nutcase.
right now we're all so desperate to fill the void she's left (which will be impossible.) we talk about puppies excitedly but we know that won't happen until the summer at the earliest.
i'm expecting to feel better tomorrow. it will be nice to possibly?hopefully? see a clear day after a fucking week of clouds and rain on top of the other depressing shit.
other stuff:
- my mom has a BF. he's COOL and fucking watches king of the hill
that's all i can really think of right now. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Wednesday, the 25th of November in 2009 at 10:27 pm] |
well we just put stella down. it was so impossibly horrible.
i came home yesterday and she couldn't even get up to see me. she did wag her tail though. i think once i got home she began to just give up. her body was strange - bony and thin everywhere except for her stomach, which was weird and lumpy, probably from the tumor pressing her organs. last night she started coughing, and it sounded like a sad desperate, moaning cry. it literally broke my heart. last night she messed blood and diarrhea all over the kitchen. the only time her eyes didn't look dim and dead was when she started walking and wheezing, and they would grow huge with fear.
today she sat in one place all day until we forced her into the car. she could hardly make it up the stairs to the vets. she stalled just before walking in like she didn't want to go. when we got in she sat and wagged her tail so much as we were all petting her. they stuck the needle in her paw and the three of us fed her little bones - the first time she'd eaten all day. i had one bone left and said "hey, look stella!" before her head dropped on to her paws and her eyes closed. almost immediately she stopped breathing - her laboring lungs only needed the slightest convincing to give up. i realized her brain might still be alive, so i kept petting her long after the doctor said she'd gone.
i miss her so much. it's unbelievable. the only way i can make myself feel is okay is reminding myself that i'd feel 100 times worse if she was still alive and i had to listen to her dying. she was such an amazing soul. i need to believe she's still with us somehow. i just know she is.
this is her just a week or two ago in vermont - she met a cat for the first time!
i took these last night. you can see how bad she looks.
i just want to know that she didn't die afraid. i want to know that i'll see her again someday. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Tuesday, the 17th of November in 2009 at 08:50 pm] |
my sister got home from london yesterday so i talked to her today. we've decide to put stella down when i get home next week.
i just want to get home and snuggle with her and feed her DQ and cheeseballs and everything she loves! i want to sleep with her in my bed and be with her the whole time.
i think one of my favorite memories of my dog happened just last month - stella was laying underneath the table and i was talking to my mom and she was just listening to us talk. a couple of times a minute she would start thumping her tail against the table. just happy to be around the two of us, happy for no reason at all. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Monday, the 26th of October in 2009 at 01:13 am] |
notes to self:
wear more jewelry
reread johnathan livingston seagull |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Monday, the 12th of October in 2009 at 04:45 pm] |
|
my dog is starting to die. i just want to be home |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Saturday, the 12th of September in 2009 at 02:41 am] |
|
i saw the angry samoans tonight. it was so fucking awesome. they played basically every song ever EXCEPT too animalistic, then they covered wasted and nervous breakdown by black flag. it ruled and it just made me soooo happy and now i'm in a great mood. i feel like a 16 year old again. :)))))))))))))))))))) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Wednesday, the 9th of September in 2009 at 12:21 am] |
stella is really sick with some sort of bronchitis/pneumonia. she coughed up blood and has a fever. they took some x-rays and we're waiting to hear about them. she doesn't have heartworm at least, and the doctor said her heart sounds good. she has arthritis around her ribs and upper body.
my mom said the vet told her over and over again, "she's an old dog." supposedly not in a "put her out of her misery already" sort of way, but more of a "start to expect little problems like this because she's really getting old despite her nice coat and puppy outbursts" way.
mom's giving her medicine and cough syrup. i'm pretty sure she's going to do alright, but i still feel so miserable.
 |
|
|
| weird shit |
[Friday, the 4th of September in 2009 at 02:33 am] |
yesterday i found a pimple forming inside of my nostril. it fucking really hurt.
it got even bigger today. then i realized my other nostril is getting a zit in literally the same exact place.
king of the hill is so awesome.
even stranger is that i go to school on saturday, making tomorrow my last day of summer.
a few days ago i was waiting at the easton village store for olivia(the girl i babysit)'s mom to pick her up. i was staring into space as she played michael jackson from my ipod and i saw this bush and literally did a double take.
there's a massive dick shrub in the center of easton.
here are some more pictures that aren't really as cool, but are still sort of cool.
autistic
austic while brandishing a knife and shotgunning a beer
i got this lid for my beer
my radio said "Tim aw" on it for like 2 weeks straight and i have no idea why or who Tim aw is.
button the cat/dog
more button being fucking huge
me holding button the cat/dog as a size comparison
stella peeing
stella swimming
and a homemade BLT. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Monday, the 31st of August in 2009 at 01:06 am] |
|
hahaha. i like this new glenn martin, DDS show on nick@nite. it's pretty funny |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Tuesday, the 25th of August in 2009 at 04:08 am] |
bad things about tonight:
cops, cutting off my hair after getting gum stuck in, LOSING MY PHONE, oh yeah also spraining my ankle
good things:
just about everything else
if you guys have seen my phone like anywhere let me know. or text sam for me and ask if he sees it on his picnic table/in his front living room thing
fuckkkkkkkkkk
EDIT: sam just told me he HAS IT. phew. got a burg/chill/last drop d8 with kevin brewin and ugh uhhh my mom is going yell at me tomorrow i can tell. i also have a pap smear wednesday. oh yeah, i also would quite like to be in boston very soon |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Saturday, the 22nd of August in 2009 at 02:41 pm] |
in my opinion, these were by far the best two radio songs of this summer:
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Monday, the 17th of August in 2009 at 09:00 pm] |
today was a nice day. me and robby got lunch at duchess and took a walk in the blistering heat at some park near his house. then it started thundering while we were walking even though the sun was shining.
speaking of duchess, when i was there there was a hair in my chicken nugget. i'm a patient person, and i understand that accidents happen. but this wasn't the first time i've found hair in my fried chicken in a fairfield duchess. so i wrote them a scathing email which i am well prepared to resend and resend until they offer me some sort of apology or compensation:
i feel better. and in <24 hours i will feel completely better when this GMA filming is over. and in =24 hours i will hopefully be quietly leaving the sober world.
today i babysat for my awesome 9 year old friend. she eats butter as a snack and talks about how her brother eats weed brownies all day. she likes her thighs because when she shimmies they jiggle like beyonce's. when she walks into her room her guinea pigs squeal in sheer terror.
i am so nervous. i don't want to look ugly and gay in front of everyone. by the way, it should be airing on FRIDAY, for anyone who was wondering.
things i must do:
1.) finish this roll of film
2.) telekinetically summon the lost roll of film from richmond
3.) go to 5 guys tomorrow and possibly throw a drink in that guy's face, or just make out with him |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sunday, the 16th of August in 2009 at 10:51 pm] |
|
my head is in a spin. i want to feel better soon. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sunday, the 9th of August in 2009 at 09:22 pm] |
shaun on megan wants a millionaire is such a cutiepie. i want to eat sushi off his inside out underwear. i sort of am starting to like megan. i should be more like her.
still tremendously disappointed by the lack of phone calls from my 5 guys crush. i feel like i am hot on his trail now. unless you guys think it's a horrible idea, i am well prepared to pay another visit by next weekend though.
a couple of nights ago i had this dream i train hopped all over the country. since then i can't stop thinking of how awesome a feeling it would give me.
i can't help but feel like my time to have fun on this earth is running out. my half summer next summer is the last summer i'll ever have. i'm running out of time to do these things. lately all the things i have the urge to do seem excessively stupid and unimportant, but the farther i move away from my youth the more serious things inevitably become. i have this tendency to forget that life actually passes while i'm spending time content in my head or in my room. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Friday, the 31st of July in 2009 at 04:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
the beauty in a relationship of any sort is that you share with one person what you don't wish to share with the entire world. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sunday, the 26th of July in 2009 at 07:37 pm] |
FUCK!
i thought this was my last week of school....TURNS OUT I HAVE ANOTHER WEEK AFTER THAT.
balls. oh well. at least i got some cool shit this week:
daisy of love finale in 1 hour 20 minutes...i can't fucking wait. god, london is so hot.
i figured out how to use bluetooth with my phone/computer. now i can send shit from my computer to my phone and vice versa. i guess it's really not that cool.
last night i had a dream i got one of these as a pet:
how cute is that thing?!? |
|
|
| TIGER |
[Thursday, the 16th of July in 2009 at 09:12 pm] |
the girl i babysit's kitty:
i am in love with him |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Tuesday, the 14th of July in 2009 at 03:35 am] |
i've been thinking a lot about cats lately.
this is my exact dream cat:
but then again, there's something unbeatable about these:
 |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
2animalistic's journal
stoked!!!
